Training with Kids
I wrote this on substack a while back, and want to make sure it’s here too…
I had a call with an athlete yesterday who had the exciting and terrifying news any parent knows: a baby on the way. You know it will change your life tremendously but don’t know how, and everyone has opinions. You’ll never be able to do anything. You’ll be able to do everything you did and more! You can say goodby to any sort of fitness or goals of your own. You won’t care that you have to let your goals go because you’ll have a baby! Those are all actually somewhat true. But like anything, it’s more complicated and nuanced. He asked how Sam and I balance(d) our own goals with work and having a family, and an hour later, I could have kept talking. I realized in talking to him that I wanted to share resources, but couldn’t think of any. So, here are some ideas based on what worked and didn’t over the last eleven years of parenthood. Stay tuned for Sam’s version of the same topic. And I think it goes without saying, but I will say it that this is what helped us, and is my experience. I will also add that this was not easy to figure out and really wasn’t until looking in hindsight that I realized what worked and what didn’t. It works now, but may not work in the future, and it’s a constant conversation.
The fourth trimester is REAL. I hate to break it to you, as I couldn’t WAIT to have pregnancy finally end so I could “get back to myself.” Sorry, but you won’t get back to yourself. Yourself is gone. Like a caterpillar that dissolved in the coccoon, you’re a butterfly now. It’s beautiful, but no one teaches you how to fly, or even tells you that you’ll feel different as you walk up that leaf to eat. Women’s brains chemically change during preganancy to be able to pick up cues and communicate with the non-speaking beings. I found I had to be physically removed from the baby to have any sense of full relaxation. As long as I was in the same house, even if she was sleeping, a part of me was splintered and I couldn’t concentrate on frying an egg, let alone empty my mind enough to relax.
Support each other to fill themselves up. What is it that makes your partner them? Whatever that is, try to help support. If it’s a weekly soccer game, put that into the family schedule. And be honest about what you need. It might be easy to say “I just need two hours of exercise per day,” which is great. But do you? Maybe you do, but really be honest about what the minimum maximum is to feel good. Time is now a very precious commodity. Figure out what makes you you, and tell your partner. It’s impossible to read minds, even if you’ve been together for a long time. Circumstances change, and so do needs and wants. What was once very important (a latte each morning) may not be ten years and two kids later. Tasks you used to not mind (laundry, for example) may turn into Chinese water torture. Let everything be up for negotiation through communication.
Let go of societal norms! This is a huge one and something I feel so strongly about, but it’s also very tricky because like fish in the river, it’s hard to know that we’re wet. Make your own norms based on your values and priorities. There was a large period of time when our house wasn’t tidy, or even picked up. But, we did each get out to exercise and that was more important during that time. Another title of this peice could be you can’t have it all. Wouldn’t it be great if we could do everything we did as single people while raising a tiny human? But like the above, knowing what mattered made it easier to let go of other things. Eventually your kids won’t want to spend any time with you and you can get back to having more time.
Stop generational gender norms! This is another huge one, and related to the one above, but slightly more specific. I sometimes got the side eye at the Montessori school (or at least I percieved that I did but I fully recognize it could have been my own judgment) when I’d drop off our daughter with tangly hair. Hair brushing was simply not going to be something I would fight over or spend time on. When it got bad enough we would just cut the rat’s nest out. One specific day I remember being so irritated that Sam was celebrated for doing the tasks an equal partner should do. Tangly hair was cute if accompanied by the cheerful dad. I told him how infuriating the double standard is, to which he replied, “well, if you want to change it, you have to just not care, right?” It’s stuck with me ever since. It irritated him too that he was congratulated for the tasks of parenthood, but it wasn’t really his fault and not fair for me to resent him for it. So I tried letting go of whatever judgment I thought was being thrown my way and wow it was liberating (though still challenging)!
Women-don’t gatekeep. I realize that all of these are tied into knots, but we can’t change gender norms if we don’t let go of them ourselves. Trust yourself that you chose a good partner who wants to play an active role, and let them. The only reason we might be better at certain “mom things” is because we’ve been brought up since we could walk to take care of dolls, siblings, others’ children, our partners, and then our own children. Men are perfectly capable of doing any of the tasks we do, aside from nursing. But even that, if you want more time or help, pump, or use formula. There is so much pressure to have the absolute perfect scenario for your kid, and you know the best thing we can give our children? Less stressed parents and mothers who don’t resent everything they do and long for the person they let go of to have children. Our species is highly adaptable and can not only function but thrive on myriad different upbringings.
The following were some specific strategies that helped us. And I’ll say again, I know every child is different, but I think it’s worth challenging our narratives about why things might not work, and imagine if they could work.
Create a schedule so you don’t need to negotiate time every day. One of the most annoying things I wish I’d known about before having children is that logistics neverend. There’s your needs, your partner’s and your child’s, so when you put them together, it’s exhausting. We used to negotiate each day who could have time in the morning to train, and it became such a loaded, accounting scenario. Did one of us have a little extra time one morning? If I take this time does that mean I can’t do the non-exercise thing I wanted to do later? Then we developed a schedule so that we knew that we each had certain mornings free and on those days we did pick up, and on the other it was flipped. Of course some times we had to modify, but having a baseline structure was lifechanging. That sounds dramatic, but I can’t overestimate how helpful it was. When figuring out your schedule, think about the following questions: when do you like to get out (morning or evening)? How much time is the minumum? What amount of time is ideal? Then as a follow up question if you don’t think it’s possible to take turns with either the morning or evening routine, why? What if you let that go?
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Get a good front baby carrier, backpack (we liked the Osprey Poco. Some of the fancy ones are heavier, so figure out what makes the most sense for you), and jogger (we liked the Bob for running and Chariot/Thule for skiing). It’s not the same as solo exercise time, but being able to take your kid while your partner is out, gives you extra time outside and in backpacks, a bonus strength component! As the baby grows, you get stronger carrying more weight, and they might like getting out and walking some, then getting back in for a ride. Plus the kid realizes this is a normal thing.
A hand pump was a gamechanger for me. I had this one but I’m sure there are more on the market now. Once the baby was eating solid food I sometimes just pumped and dumped, but it still let me be out for longer without getting super sore.
What worked for you?
